I'm giving up. On a lot of things.
People disappoint me...too often.

And, I just wish that for once someone would surprise me, and do something to show that they cared, without being forced to.

And, I'm cold.

My party is tomorrow...and I'm not ready. But whatever.
Hopefully I'll still have fun.
If my mom doesn't piss me off any more than she already has.

A heartbeat skip, relationship
So we would stay up late
A teardrop drip below your lip
Beside the airport gate
A sudden slip from where
We used to be a year ago
A real-life script of how
Our hands would hold and not let go

But delay the mournful words
Of complicated overcast
Please take the message
That you taught me how to live at last
But I said my confidence
It gets stronger when you're next to me
But we wave respect goodbye
In quest for what we long to be, but

I might crumble, I might take a fall again
(Still missing you)
I might crumble, I might take a fall again
(Still missing you)
I might crumble, I might take a fall again
But you're my everlasting friend
Will you be coming home?
(Everlasting friend)

Tyler [Jacobsen] choked on [4] chewy cookies today.
It was scary, and he went to the hospital after being given [a crappy] heimlich maneuver by Mr.Hala...and after coughing up the goo added to some fresh blood.
It made me appreciate my ability to breathe.
And I've been very careful since then, to chew, a lot.
I hope he's okay.

Just breathe.

Its not fair
Why do I have to get so attached?

I'm looking through the yearbook, and I started making my "about to cry" face...like a forced frown it kinda hurts my muscles when I saw his face. And then, I was like dammit the year is almost over and I got him a card [or two, im not sure if i'll give both to him], and i didnt know where they were.

But I found them, and I read the first one and I started bawling.

Why?
I hate having to think...this person who has shaped my life forever, I'll never see again in my life.

I hate this. I've got to stop getting so attached, and crying like this. I guess it's better here than at school. But I'm pretty sure if/when I give it to him...I'll cry.

I'm cramped and crawling from under the dead and I

I'm sick of living without you in bed and I
I've made mistakes that I wrote, that I read
But now I just can't seem to be preoccupied
The heart was tossed with a black lace chain

And with these hands that I write with
And the oath that I live by, you know

I will never be with you

Do you ever wonder

How hard you hit, you broke my thunder

Do you ever wonder

Cause [God] made this night for me

The silly devil in me talking

Romantic company for walking
Over and out, over and out
But this year's the year I write to be
That silly devil in me talking
Romantic company for walking
Over and out, over and out

I want to find someone who I can spill my heart out to, and nothing else will matter.

I absolutely love Blue October.

time to reflect on the past...and then ramble for quite a while after that

this is the end of may last year i believe

"okay, i guess i'm going through another phase?
i'm not sure what to classify it under yet; i usually don't know until its over
but i feel like i'm going through a phase
am i ever not going through a phase?
is there any normal me thats not going through a phase?
i dunno
me from like last week maybe
but who knows, i could discover that it was just another phase!
or it was a pre-phase to my current phase

ahhh who cares.well its a little of a change, and i can feel it
you know how two years ago i was more like flirtyish when i wasnt shy and i went out with joe followed by marc followed by sam...well after sam, i may have said this, i had no inclination to flirt with anyone for the most part

my one pathetic attempt blew up in my face and i was basically shocked back into my anti-flirt phase (that situation would happen to have to do with a certain matticus, but i won't go there, its history)

so anyway, has anyone noticed that most of the guys i've liked in the last couple years have been...from afar?

like theyre not guys i know or have flirted with...just random guys i pick out of the crowd for various silly reasons, or that i've heard about and feel that i know- even though in reality i don't, and they know me even less

now back to the point, my analyzation consists of the following reason. i was so into the relationship with sam, that i forgot the first step even existed.

i forgot that we had had to flirt first and get to know each other a little bit. once you love someone, you forget to think about trivial things like that, and focus more of your energy on the current predicament, the future plans, or how much you love or miss them

i think thats true anyways

so when sam and i were..."over" i had no inclination to flirt with anyone
first because i knew they could never measure up to sam
but after i got over that and started trying to find someone who could...i was so focused on getting over him and finding someone new, i totally forgot to remember the first step

if you start consciously liking someone and tell them about it before you even talk or flirt, the chances of it working out are reduced way much

the person basically thinks youre a stalker and feels pressured from the beginning, whereas if you start out talking and flirting they find the chemistry first and then if they find out you like them theyre more likely to accept it and perhaps even return the favor


so i basically wanted nothing to do with that first stage of a relationship
mine and sams ended abruptly, like in the middle of some sort of peak, maybe not even quite there yet...and i wanted to start off where he and i left off

thats probably why with every guy after i went too fast and tried to rush things in that i wanted to be as attached as i had been before...because i wasnt going along with the order of things

recently i've been better
i've felt a changei'm not sure if its for the better, but at least it may save me a little heartache in the long runi feel...almost rejuvinated but not really
just in a way like i can start over, or like i'm near some sort of point where i can

and i know most of you probably don't conceive this as a big accomplishment, and i wouldnt really and shouldnt really classify it as an accomplishment, i didnt do anything"


and i'll leave it there cuz i dont want to go into the rant that really wasnt that significant that came after that, cept that i said i was more comfortable and likely to flirt ...but it was stupid because it was someone who i knew itd be pointless to flirt with.








i like looking back on how i felt about certain things long ago.
i've changed a lot i think.
i actually feel like im regressing...only not
you know how sometimes, the stupidest answer and the smartest answer are the same answer, its just the reasoning behind it?

i cant think of an example off the top of my head...i just know i always re-realize this

[remind me to go on to my rant of realizations]

and so its like the least wise and the most wise answers are sometimes the same too

like, i can't think of an example of that either

when i come across one i'll write it somewhere

but thats how i feel



like originally in my life i'd like one person for a really long time and never do anything about it
and then i got to a point where i'd switch every other week, thinking that the more people i like, the more likely it is that i'll be liked back
which is completely faulty reasoning...but thats how i was for a few years
and then after everything changed that one summer...i kindof withdrew myself...i didnt want to connect with anyone...i wanted to be connected. i basically didnt want to work for it, i wanted it to either be there or not be there and if it wasnt there then i was done and i'd move on as soon as i found out it wasnt there

then there was the around 4 month period where i was completely depressed and so deeply infatuated with this one guy...and that was when i'd cry at everything and it was odd because i knew he didnt like me from the get go, and then i talked to him like twice after that and i still knew he didnt like me...but i continued to like him

which was completely odd and a turnaround for me

usually i'd spend 2 or 3 days watching tv, crying at first and then moving to sleeping and engulfing myself in other peoples worlds

and by day 4 or 5 i would be completely fine, and free of whatever heartache i'd felt

but this time was different
and i couldn't let go of it

and i wont go into all the details and how this other guy fit into all of that nonsense...but i forced myself to move on

and i figure at some point it may bite me in the ass...but i think i'm okay now

im less sensitive which is good, and im more patient which is odd

like i said before, itd be yes or no and then there we go

now ive been, to quote sam, "quasi experimenting with dating" this guy kinda for like 6 and a half weeks...not really, we only went on one date and then i went to jr.prom with him but we're not going out and we're not really together at all im actually semi-annoyed cuz summers just around the corner and i really dont think anythings gonna happen at this point because hes really not all that reliable and i dont think he really cares...and i dont really care as much because i know if i do care i'll be let down and the whole thing is just kinda stupid but the fact remains that he exists.

anyhow, the patience thing...idk how im still like calm

probably cuz idk what to do

you cant break up with someone if youre not going out with them, and if he doesnt care now, giving him an ultimatum would be silly.

we both know we're single, so i dont even care. im not in that deep...and even though it would have been nice to finally have someone...i dont want it to be like this.


my point is..normally i'd have moved on and started liking several other guys, but i havent.

now i'm just kinda floating

and i dont feel like i have to like anyone

and i dont feel like theres any pressure to like anyone

i feel like i did before this all started...like i can just live and like whomever and not try anything...

the point of that whole thing

was that i'm going back to like i was pre-6th grade

and i always thought that would have been a bad thing

but maybe this is how its supposed to be


















i dont feel like going on my rant of realizations now...i will at some point in my life i'm sure, cuz i'll re-realize it like i always do, which is half of my rant in itself.














the point being...
well im actually sad about it
because i'm finally free from the grasp of sam
well not completely, never completely
but its like...i dont feel like i have to ruin anything before it starts anymore
and i dont reflect upon how much i love/miss him in between stages/phases

but...i miss it
its like you beg and plead for the universe to let you let go...but once you finally can, you dont want to, or wish you hadnt

i dont wish i hadnt
but i dont know

i dont want my foundation to disappear

im already shaky enough as it is.



















this was an extremely long entry, well partly because i copied some of my stuff from last year.

i realized kindof today another thing

that i want to be able to find someone
who i dont have to worry about being smarter than me or less smart than me

i always thought i wanted to have classes with the guy i liked or went out with

but now i realize its the exact opposite

separate work from play

i dont want to associate the person im with, with things like products of reactions and neutralization equations and inverse cosine curves or things like that.

i want to connect with someone on a level thats, regardless of intellectual

like, i wouldnt go for a dunce

but i want to be able to talk to someone without it being about how they did on a test or whatever

i guess im kidnof a hypocrite, i always ask people how they did on tests and stuff

but idk

i dont even know what i'm getting at

i want to escape.

need me some summer lovin:p



but sometimes i feel like, i'll be alone forever.
because i cant seem to find the right level ground with anyone.
no matter how much i like someone, or how hard i try, it just wont make it more right.
at one point i thought i was a terrible girlfriend, and while i may be, in reality i only thought that because i didnt like the person i thought i did and went out with...it was so dumb and im so ashamed of how i handled that situation but i dont know.


and i dunno.
i know that i dont know.
and i know that i know that i don't know so i dont know why i'm repeating it over and over.




i just, want something to feel right.







Come dancing with devils
Need not know their name
But we'll waltz like an army
For the fear of our pain
And our souls become useless
As the day they were born
In a rusted arm rocking chair
Away from your storm

But still the truth remains lethal
A lie made by man
When my shoes become hammers
And my words become sand
Like a sour patch, a wedding batch
Of roses you threw across my floor
In the rusted arm rocking chair
Away from your storm

hm.

life is just one oddity after another

I felt quite invisible today.

except, oddly, with josh and vinny...both of whom i dont normally say much to in school.

and sharayah was all pissy in the morning...and pretty much didnt talk to me all day...or at least say anything other than "fine" or "good" or some phrase with a taste of attitude, just enough spice to make my eyes tear.

i didn't like today all that much.

and then i told her she looked pretty, and she said thank you.

and i kinda left her alone the rest of the day.

and in science research mr.hala was like the only one to aknowledge my existence i was kinda out of the circle and i just wanted to disappear.

jazz bowl was fun...i wasn't quite as invisible...and i bowled well for my standards. 13o the first game, 122 the second. Actually, for me, thats amazing. Usually I do average or fantastical during the first game, and then I drop like 50 points the next. However, I only dropped by 8. I was semi-elated.

vinny im actually kinda worried about him and the regents... i should offer to help him study or something cuz it'll force me to study despite my sudden and random new cockiness in the subject.


peter and gabrielle? hmm.






there are only three more days of classes. and that makes me happy in that there will be much less stress once school is done [aside from finals, even though i love finals week simply because the concept of only going in when you have a test and that means only like 3 or 4 days just makes me jump for joy]


but besides that, i'm worried again.
i dont know whats up with beef, but i dont want to end school on a bad note with her...idk she kinda jumped down my throat at one point and if stalbow hadnt cut in with a quote from like macarthur or whoever i would have like burst out.

which leads me to another reason i hated today

it brought back feelings of the time when i was so incredibly sensitive and everything would jerk a tear, insignificant things that dont even matter in the slightest.

i wasnt as bad as i was then by a large margin...but it wasn't a good feeling.













and I'm still unsure whether certain things are worth the trouble.

I just want to feel like someone is there for me like I can be there for them. I love to be needed.